Postpartum feelings – Day 1

I never felt so exhausted in my whole life. After a long try of a vaginal delivery, I had a unplanned C-section. I wanted to be all day holding and looking at my baby, but I just couldn’t even keep my eyes open or even my head upright. But I had to.

The biggest feeling that I had right after delivery – actually during the C-section – was frustration. I did not prepare me psychologically for a unplanned C-section. And after feeling contractions for hours, the pressure to push – which also, for me, hurts real bad, and push for 3 hours, it just didn’t make sense.

When they got the baby out, I was relieved. I thought I wasn’t gonna feel happy. I was feeling outside me, so weird and shaking so much because of the anesthesia. But when they brought him to see me before go to the CICU, so tiny, I’m sure he recognized me. I found happiness on that little thing. He curved his head towards me and touched my face. It melted my heart and made me have the amount of fuel that I needed to go through the rest of the day.

As soon as I could get out of bed and go see him, I don’t know how, but I did. I did not have strength. But I found it from nowhere. I even holded him. I really don’t know how to explain, my arms were so weak, as the rest of my body.

Back in the room, I was missing the baby. But I had to sleep. And I had to pump every 3 hours to make the milk come in since he couldn’t latch on just yet. And I had to eat. It was more than a day eating just liquids. But the only thing I could do for sure was cry. How come the tears just come down for no reason.

And, of course, I found a reason to cry. The first pumping tries had some milk, then there was nothing. I was desperate. Specially on my baby’s situation. He needed my milk. I did not know at that moment that it’s normal for the milk to came in only after 4 days. So I cried a lot about it.

It was so much feelings. I was happy to have my husband, my mom and mother in law going to see the baby. But I wanted to go there and stay forever. But I needed to sleep, eat and pump. I missed my dad and sister who couldn’t come from Brazil. I was worried about my baby’s heart condition. I knew he would most likely have surgery. But we didn’t know when (it happened 4 days later).

I was upset that I couldn’t nurse him right after he was born. Or even dress him. Change him. I did not even see his first poop. The black one that everybody talks about. But none of that matters since baby was in the CICU. I just wanted him to be healthy. But on this first day, and for a couple of more after delivery, my feelings were so crazy that I understand more than ever why they talk so much about postpartum depression. It is a lot of mixed feelings and it can turn into depression really easy.

Those days were the craziest and hardest days of my life! But I survived!

 

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