First nights with baby at home I realize I wouldn’t have any control of my time anymore. Little guy was waking up to nurse every 2 hours. Each nursing session could last from 20 minutes to more than an hour. He would only sleep on the breast. That’s when I realize how much I would miss a good night sleep!
I was never a person who likes to sleep until late in the morning. Even on holidays I was awake by 9am. There was a time on my life that I would wake up at 5am to workout before going to work. I would feel so bad and like I wasted my time if I woke up after 10 am. Now, all I wanted was a whole week or month sleeping till 11am. Or just watching Netflix.
Baby wouldn’t sleep through the night till 9 months. During the day was hard to follow the rule “Sleep when he sleeps” once you have to eat, take a shower, pee, read e-mails, pay bills, cook, clean the house, work, do laundry and a hundred of other things and before you know he is up again.
And still now he wakes up around 5am hungry and with so much energy. He wants to jump around, play under the blanket and be tickled. I wake up like a zombie and by the time I nurse him, play a little then make breakfast and feed him, he is ready for his first nap of the day and I’m too awake to go back to sleep.
Going out of the house includes a big list of things to bring and do before leaving. I can say I spend more time getting ready for a walk than really walking, specially when it’s winter. And you can never be ready for everything that can happen: from poop explosions at a restaurant to throwing up in the car two times in a day – leaving you without extra clothes.
I wouldn’t say I would sleep until late without him. Or I would go out for walkings more often. The thing that changes when you have a kid is CONTROL. You have any! I miss being able to choose when to wake up. I miss getting out of the house anytime I want. Or just being able to do nothing. However, don’t get me wrong, those laughings and snuggles make it all worthy. It’s not a cliche. Life is much more fulfilling and rewarding than when you don’t have a human being to take care and love forever!
These last couple of days, my baby has been so needy and he is learning to cry out loud when he wants mommy, daddy, an specific toy or go somewhere we said “no”. May be separation anxiety or slyness or a little bit of both.
Today he is turning 11 months. I just put him down for his first nap of the day and after about 30 minutes he woke up crying. So I went there and holded him until he fell asleep again.
When he finally closed his eyes and went to a deep sleep state, I caught myself looking at him and thanking God for such a perfect baby. I prayed for him to be always healthy and never need any life threatening surgery in his life again. I prayed for me to be a good mother. And everyone around him to be good too: good father, good grandparents, good godparents, good cousins, good uncles, good friends.
But at the same time I asked God to help me to teach him how to deal with frustration. I don’t want to spoil him – too much. And raise him inside of a bubble making him unprepared for adult life where everyone isn’t good. And I also prayed for him to be a good person. Someone who knows how to respect others. To be kind, strong, smart and sweet, all at the same time.
Then I realize my eyes were full of tears. Tears of joy, tears of faith, tears of hope, tears of love. I let them come down. And I felt a happiness. He brought me fulfillment. And I feel it every time I look at him or even think about him. And that’s motherhood, it’s about giving up things but also about having a purpose. Those magic tears made me remember it.
Even if you have been waiting for something your whole life, it doesn’t mean you are gonna be ready when it happens. I’m talking about when you become a mother. And when I say “become a mother” I mean the journey that starts when you find out that there is a baby on the way.
I feel a mom since that moment. A Sunday morning in August, when I got the test that I’ve bought weeks before at the Dollar Store just because, I don’t know, actually. I was feeling different in some way, but I thought would be another negative one. So many years having PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) has made me think I was pregnant a lot of times. And I wasn’t. But this time, before the 3 minutes was done, I took a look and for my surprise, it was already saying that I was pregnant. I almost fell off in the toilet. I couldn’t believe it, and I don’t even know how to explain for myself everything that I thought in that moment. The first reaction was shock and the second, believe me, was recording a video for the baby of me going to tell dad what just has happened.
Looks like I was ready because I had the reaction of recording that moment. But no. That’s just something that I’ve been doing since a long time ago. Recording videos to my children. I just want them to know who I was before be their mother. Before the boring and bad person that says “no” sometimes. I want to be a kind of mom that they trust, they see as a friend, but at the same time teach them to be good, to have boundaries, to change the world.
See. That’s why I consider myself a mom since that moment. Because that kind of concern about what kind of mom I wanna be and what kind of people my children will be, it looked like something so far in the future. And in just 3 minutes it became REAL. In less than a year my life would change FOREVER. That’s for sure. These thoughts about everything get stuck in our minds in a way we can’t predict. Before, it was just a speculation, an assumption. Now it’s happening.
After becoming a Mom I realize that there is no such thing as being ready for it. I knew it would be hard. But it is harder than I thought. And there is a rewarding feeling that makes the burden feeling go away. It’s the biggest paradox I have ever felt in my life!
It may be different in each case. Some babies cry more than others, sleep more, have no colics, feed faster, wait more between the feedings. But every mom/dad has her/his own challenges. And even though it sounds cliche to say, I gotta say: I would do it all over again!
So the thing is, you can’t be really ready for all of that. However, when you decide to be a parent, even if it wasn’t planned, you will be ready on the way. You will figure out what’s best for your family as you go. You will make mistakes, then you’ll learn from them. All you need is patient and love!
Some woman may face all consequences, others only some of them. But the truth is: becoming a mom ain’t easy.
You may gain a lot of weight. You may get stretch marks on your belly, breasts, hips, legs. You may lose your waist. You may get back problems. Your sciatica may get painful during and after pregnancy. You may suffer to breastfeed and have cracked nipples. Or engorged breasts. Mastitis. Inverted nipples. Or not have enough milk.
You may go through the baby blues. You may be sleep deprived for a couple of days, weeks or for some of us – for months. Then when baby finally can sleep more uninterrupted time, you may have insomnia. You may have postpartum depression (which is a biological risk and really possible in this scenario). You may feel cranky. Inexplicably exhaustion. Fatigue. No energy at all. Continue reading “You may never be yourself again”
When I was pregnant everyone kept asking: “Is this your first?”. And after I said yes, they would say “Awww”. I thought that meant “how cute!”. But now I know. It actually meant “Poor girl, doesn’t know half of what it’s coming”. And that was true.
I know every mom, baby and pregnancy are different. But there is no possible way to be ready. The first days, weeks and months were insanely hard for me. I even kept asking my self: why people do it again after the first? Now – 9 months later – I look clear to the past and I would do it all over and over again. But still, it was tough!
I was ready for hard days. But the things that I thought would be hard weren’t so much. And I was surprised by things I wasn’t expecting to be hard. And at the same time, the love I thought I would feel when I look at him for the first time wasn’t like an explosion. It was like a seed that started growing exponentially. And it just doesn’t stop, even though I feel like it’s impossible to grow more.
What is this kind of money belt hanging out on me?? Oh, it’s my old belly. What is this white and red code drawn on it? Oh, they’re my sweet stretch marks. Omg, how I hate you!
I took the advice from a friend who had a baby just a couple of months before me: “Don’t look at the mirror!“. It’s just not worthy. So I didn’t. For the first days. But I could feel it was weird. First we are kind of numb down there. Peeing is kind of strange. Poop is something that you will not do for a couple of days. And when you do, it will not be easy. I cried the same amount as I cried during my pushing time when I was trying the vaginal delivery.
After a few days, I finally felt the belly has shrunk. But not everything. 7 weeks later I still have this money belt hanging out. Smaller, but I do. No, nursing did not make me go back to my body. I lost almost half of the weight I gained. But I’m still bigger than I was and none of my pre pregnancy clothes fit me. Continue reading “Post partum body – 7 weeks”
I never felt so exhausted in my whole life. After a long try of a vaginal delivery, I had a unplanned C-section. I wanted to be all day holding and looking at my baby, but I just couldn’t even keep my eyes open or even my head upright. But I had to.
The biggest feeling that I had right after delivery – actually during the C-section – was frustration. I did not prepare me psychologically for a unplanned C-section. And after feeling contractions for hours, the pressure to push – which also, for me, hurts real bad, and push for 3 hours, it just didn’t make sense.
When they got the baby out, I was relieved. I thought I wasn’t gonna feel happy. I was feeling outside me, so weird and shaking so much because of the anesthesia. But when they brought him to see me before go to the CICU, so tiny, I’m sure he recognized me. I found happiness on that little thing. He curved his head towards me and touched my face. It melted my heart and made me have the amount of fuel that I needed to go through the rest of the day. Continue reading “Postpartum feelings – Day 1”
I know some women don’t like to be pregnant. Of course, there is a lot of odds. Specially on the end. I had bad backaches, leg cramps, stretch marks, fadigue. And got really big! But now, 7 weeks after baby, I’m already missing my pregnant belly. You know why? Because, when you’re pregnant, it’s all about you.
People stop you to ask your due date. They bring you food. They say you need to rest. They do certain things for you like carrying shopping bags. They say you look good. And actually, at some point before the end, we do look good! The second trimester bring us some energy and a good looking appearance. My hair and my finger nails were nicer. And that cute round belly showing up was fun!! You get spoiled, and you get used to it. Continue reading “My dear baby bump”
I heard about the baby blues. But I did not believe in it. I mean, I knew I already love this baby even before he was born, why would I feel sad or whatever when he arrives? Sensitive maybe. But sad, alone, depressed, regret?
I thought it just happens when people has a totally unplanned pregnancy or nobody to help or something like that. But it’s not just about the circumstances of your life – it can probably make everything worse. BUT the hormones change everything, of course. You have been feeling it during the pregnancy. Then there is the sleepless. OMG, how I miss a 3 hour sleep. No sleeping makes everything harder. However, what scared me the most was the responsibility that now I carry for the rest of my life. It will look like a burden. Continue reading “Baby Blues”